Marauder Mayhem
by sixsignsthecircle
Summary: Ah, the marauders at Hogwarts...Insinuations as to Peter's sexuality...And...What? Snape has breasts? [Chapter 1 edited/plot altered]
1. My Ass Hurts

"Marauding Mayhem" OR "Sirius is clinically insane"  
  
CHAPTER ONE: Notes in Potions OR Padfoot and .. sittin' in a tree.  
  
"Now, class, take out yesterday's ingredients list," Professor Losseaur, the potions master, commanded, "And I will assign you into groups to complete the potions."  
  
"YAY!" James Potter whispered to Sirius Black, "I LOVE potions!"  
  
"Me, too!" Sirius Black chimed in. Apparently, the boys were practicing sarcasm.  
  
"Shhhh!" Lily Evans admonished, "You'll get yourselves detentions again."  
  
"So?" Remus chimed in, "It's not as though either one of them has a life."  
  
"Oh, yeah," Sirius retorted, "I live solely for disemboweling toads in the dungeons. Overseen, of course, by esteemed Professor Loser."  
  
"Black! Lupin! Ten points each from Gryffindor!"  
  
"Your mother," Sirius whispered, at the penalty of another five points.  
  
"The groups," Professor Losseaur intoned, "are as follows: Crabbe, Goyle, Pettigrew, Evans."  
  
Lily and Peter groaned, Peter looking more than a little frightened.  
  
"Don't hit on my girl, now," James mockingly admonished Peter.  
  
Professor Losseaur continued calling out the groups: "Longbottom, MacNair, Black, Bones."  
  
Sirius began muttering under his breath. Frank Longbottom, a fellow Gryffindor, and friendly enough, said, "Could be worse. We could be working with Snape."  
  
"Yeah, well," Sirius said, "MacNair's not much better."  
  
Professor Losseaur had been calling out other groups as Frank and Sirius complained about the Slytherins.  
  
"And the final group," he ended, "will consist of Malfoy, Snape, and Lupin." Remus swore under his breath. Not even one Gryffindor ally in the group. This project was destined to, in the words of Sirius, "suck the grease right out of Snape's hair-and turn it pink."  
  
Once Remus reached the desk he was to work at, he ripped a scrap of parchment off his homework and hastily scribbled a note to Sirius, who, thankfully, was working at the next table over.  
  
Padfoot, he wrote, I hope you have a good disinfectant potion. Not only is Snape disease-ridden and greasy, but he also has lice. -Moony.  
  
Moony, In the words of Lily: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW! -Padfoot  
  
Padfoot: Save me. -Moony  
  
Moony: Keeping my own entertainment in mind, I cannot do as you ask, until such time as I feel like it or I need you for something, whichever never happens. -Padfoot  
  
Padfoot: Your mother. -Moony  
  
Suddenly, there came a soft knock on the classroom door. Professor Losseaur threw open the door and barked at whoever was there, "You're late. This is hardly a way to make an impression on your first day.But then, I suppose, you are a Gryffindor."  
  
"Sorry, Professor," a feminine voice with a slight lilt answered, "I should have realized your call was far more urgent than the Headmaster's."  
  
"Don't be flippant," he warned, "I shall not hesitate to begin deducting points from Gryffindor."  
  
The girl bowed her head in mock shame and slipped inside the door. Remus could still not see her, because she was outlined as a mere shadow against the light from the still-open doorway.  
  
"We're working on antidotes. Work with Snape, Malfoy, and Lupin as they're one short," Professor Losseaur snapped, closing the door.  
  
The girl headed confidently towards Severus, Lucius, and Remus, as they were the only group with three members.  
  
As she grew close, Remus could make out her features. She had hip-length thick, wavy black hair, large, shimmery silver-violet eyes, a rather pale complexion, and soft, pinkish lips that turned up naturally into a rather alluring smile. She was also quite tall for a fourteen-or-fifteen-year-old- girl, almost as tall as Sirius, Remus judged, who was the third-tallest boy in school.  
  
"Hi," she said, and Remus identified her lilt as a semi-faint accent, "I'm Brenwynne Llyfyr." (Only it sounded like, "Brren-oow-uhnne Thluh-Vurr")  
  
"Hi. Remus Lupin," Remus replied, as Sirius thrust a note at him:  
  
Moony: Mister Padfoot has just witnessed the passing of a goddess. Please ignore any compulsory drool spots on the parchment. -Padfoot  
Padfoot: Mister Moony does not think she is THAT pretty.--Moony  
Moony: Mister Moony is on bloody crack, then. She is bloody gorgeous. -Padfoot  
Padfoot: Why don't you tell her, then, not me? -Moony  
  
Moony: OK -Padfoot  
  
Sirius caught the girl's eye and said, while wearing quite the debonair grin, "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"  
  
"Yeah, like a bitch," she answered nonchalantly, with the air of someone who has grown very tired indeed of that pickup line.  
  
"Where?" Sirius demanded, "I'll kiss it and make it better."  
  
"You're offering to kiss my arse, then?" she wondered mockingly.  
  
"If need be," he replied flirtatiously, "Anything for a goddess."  
  
"Uh-huh." She carefully measured out dried newt scales.  
  
"Class dismissed," Professor Losseaur announced, and Sirius grabbed the new girl's books and ran, causing her to have to chase him down the hallway.  
  
*** "I love you," Sirius mouthed across the common room. Brenwynne, unfortunately, didn't notice.  
  
James, however, did.  
  
"Aw, isn't that cute," he teased, "Siri has a widdle crush."  
  
"Shut up," Sirius snarled, "You're just jealous."  
  
"Of what? I have a girlfriend."  
  
"Cos Brenwynne's prettier than Lil."  
  
"You wish, Siri-pooh."  
  
"That's it," Sirius decided, "I'm going over to talk to her."  
  
He strolled over to the table where she sat studying, and sat down next to her, pushing the chair closer to hers as he did so.  
  
"I love you," he announced, "And I also happen to think you are some rare form of divinity."  
  
"Really?" she asked, amused.  
  
"Yup." He answered, "Straight from Heaven."  
  
"Actually, I'm from Wales," she answered wryly, "I don't know about goddesses, but there sure are a lot of sheep."  
  
Sirius laughed. "Well," he said, "I love you anyway. You are also rather sexy."  
  
"Oh?" she replied airily, "Well, if you can spell my name right on the first try, I'll sleep with you."  
  
"Promise?" Sirius asked, knowing she was kidding.  
  
"Sure."  
  
He grabbed her quill and wrote, "Brenwynne Llyfyr"  
  
"Close," she said, "but you forgot my middle names."  
  
"No fair! I don't even know them? What is your full name, then?"  
  
She took her quill back and wrote, in a beautiful, somehow elven-looking hand, "Brenwynne Llwellynne Rhyannon Llyfyr"  
  
"Need to buy a vowel?" Sirius wondered, then asked, "Can you speak Welsh?"  
  
"Ydy."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Ydy."  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"Yes, I AM Welsh."  
  
"Will you?"  
  
"Just did."  
  
"Wanna teach me some Welsh?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Of course you do. So, how do you say 'please'?"  
  
"Please."  
  
"No, in Welsh."  
  
"In Welsh."  
  
"Quit it!"  
  
"Quit it. Really, I thought you wanted to learn Welsh." she laughed.  
  
"Nyeh. So, really, how do you say "please" in Welsh?"  
  
"Os'gweylth yn da." (Oz goo-ay-ulth uhn da)  
  
"Ossa whassa?"  
  
She pronounced it slowly for him, and, apparently very proud of himself, Sirius proposed, "Kiss me, os'gweylth yn da!"  
  
Brenwynne just laughed, gathered her books, and left. 


	2. Snape has boobs!

Chapter Two: Hogmseade.OR.Snape has boobs!  
  
"Damn it," Sirius growled, "I've tried every goddamn pickup line I know. She just won't take."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "Did you try just talking civilly to her?"  
  
Sirius snorted. "What the hell would be the fun in that?"  
  
"Whatever," Remus shrugged, "I still don't see what the big deal is with her.I've seen prettier.and she seems like kind of a snot."  
  
Sirius placed his hands over his ears. "La la la, I can't HEAR you, you crackhead."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes again and set out for Transfiguration.  
  
* * * * * Moony: Hast thou ever seen a maid so fair? And just what exactly is our dear friend James doing with that pencil? -Padfoot  
  
Padfoot: Mr. Moony has seen many a maiden fairer. Take the guitarist from Sorcery, for example. And Mr. Moony further believes that Mr. Prongs is using said pencil to remove mucus buildups from within his olfactory organ. -Moony  
  
Sirius snorted into the pile of leaves he was supposed to be transforming into velvet handkerchiefs, which caused Peter to tear the note from Sirius and read it. Peter responded:  
  
Mssrs. Moony and Padfoot: Actually, I think he's picking his nose. -Wormtail  
  
Remus, upon receiving the parchment, rolled his eyes.  
  
Wormtail: That's what I SAID. -Moony  
  
When the note reached Sirius again, he snorted again-"And you call ME a crackhead," Remus whispered, sniggering-and replied:  
  
Moony: The guitarist from Sorcery has absolutely no ass, weighs about two kilograms, and has dyed her hair so many times that it's probably affected her brain cells in some way. Which would explain why she has a pierced nose. -Padfoot PS: I think Prongsy knows we're talking about him.  
  
Remus was attempting to pen a response in defense of his beloved rock star, but Professor McGonagall demanded his attention (Hey, what can I say, man, she's old.).  
  
"Mr. Lupin!" she called, "If you would kindly pay attention!"  
  
"Yes'm," he said, in imitation of a good little 1930's schoolboy.  
  
Professor McGonagall frowned, but continued, "Your handkerchiefs should be pure velvet. Velour will not get you full credit, and felt is an abomination."  
  
"Wonder why she's so adamant about velvet?" Sirius cracked, loud enough for McGonagall to hear, "Think she wants to sell them to Muggles on the black market?"  
  
"BLACK!" McGonagall hollered, "Five points from Gryffindor!"  
  
Sirius pretended to look affronted, and when McGonagall turned away, James shot back, "I dunno. Wonder if we'll get extra credit if we weave gold thread into 'em?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So, you guys going to Hogsmeade this weekend?" Sirius asked lazily, while the five (Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, and Peter) sat in the common room later that evening.  
  
"I can't," Lily said almost apologetically, almost haughtily, "I have a major Arithmancy test to study for."  
  
James rolled his eyes. "We all know you'll get a thousand percent anyway," he muttered, "And Arithmancy is total bullshit anyway."  
  
"Um.I have.the same test," Peter said, "But I guess I can come anyway."  
  
Remus yawned. "Yeah, I s'pose so," he answered.  
  
James and Sirius didn't bother saying anything. It was a given that they would go, really. Both of them were known for taking any and every available opportunity to get out of Hogwarts, whether or not they actually had any classes to attend.  
  
"Hey, Brenwynne," Sirius called across the common room, to where the dark- haired girl was studying.  
  
"What?" She called back, still flipping the pages in her History of Magic textbook.  
  
"C'mere." He motioned towards himself lazily.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To give me a kiss, of course," Sirius replied, in mock surprise, "What else would I be calling you over for?"  
  
"Maybe some other time, Black," Brenwynne replied, in a don't-you-wish sort of voice.  
  
"Don't you think that's kind of bitchy?" James asked Sirius quietly, "I mean, she flirts with you often enough, but she always turns you down, tries to make you feel stupid."  
  
"Nah," Sirius replied, "I think that's just her way of saying she's madly in love with me."  
  
* * * * *  
  
At long last, the weekend approached, and James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Brenwynne, who had agreed to go with them, were assembled in the front hall, eagerly awaiting Hogsmeade.  
  
"So," Sirius began, "Think there'll be a any old people there we can torture? You know, like we turn some old bloke's toupee pink or something?"  
  
"Better idea," Brenwynne piped up, "And it involves the Slytherins."  
  
"Go on," James encouraged, "I'm always up for humiliating the school slimeballs."  
  
"We-ell." Brenwynne began, "How do you think Snape would look with a pink toupee?"  
  
"Not bad," Sirius commented, though he was a little disappointed. He had been expecting something more along the lines of, say, "Let's give Snape a sex change," but he supposed it would do.  
  
"Yeah, but why stop there?" Remus added, "Why don't we give him a full face of makeup, too? The Muggle kind, that gets all blotchy when it rains."  
  
"I like the way we think," James said cheerfully.  
  
"And while we're at it," Peter said, trying not to be left out, "Let's change his robes too. Make 'em.say.lavender with yellow lace."  
  
Silence for a moment, until Sirius spoke up.  
  
"I have a better idea," he said solemnly, "Let's change his robes.to Gryffindor robes."  
  
A fit of laughter ensued, until Brenwynne caught her breath enough to speak up.  
  
"Yeah," she said gasping, "But why bring shame on the Gryffindor name? Let's make 'em Hufflepuffs!"  
  
Peter giggled rather girlishly and blushed. "I don't know," he said shyly, "Wouldn't that be unfair to the Hufflepuffs?"  
  
James eyed Peter warily. "So?"  
  
"Well.nevermind," Peter spoke quickly, begging Sirius with his eyes not to say anything.  
  
"He fancies a Hufflepuff," Sirius explained, giving Peter a rather nasty look, "No reason why we shouldn't humiliate the Slytherins, though." He added cheerily.  
  
"Really?" Brenwynne asked Peter, "What year?"  
  
"Nevermind that," James muttered under his breath, "I wanna know what gender."  
  
Remus raised his eyebrows and looked at Peter. Was he.? Nah. James was just being a smart ass again.  
  
As if reading Remus' thoughts, James asked innocently, "What? Would you rather I was a dumb ass?"  
  
"Hardy-har-har," Sirius said dryly, "You need to work on your jokes, Jamesy- Wamesy."  
  
Brenwynne giggled. "Does that mean I can call you Siri-Wiri?" she asked Sirius, slightly flirtatious.  
  
"You," Sirius declared, "Can call me anything you want."  
  
"Okay," she agreed cheerfully, "I'll call you BigFatSuperIdiotDork."  
  
James laughed, "Ha! Bet you'd rather be Siri-Wiri, now, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Oh, shut up, Jamesy-pooh," Sirius muttered, swatting at James' shoulder, but missing.  
  
"Hey, guys," Peter piped up shrilly, "We're here!"  
  
"Sow we've noticed," Remus responded, "Where to first? Zonko's or the Three Broomsticks?"  
  
"Let's go get a drink," James suggested, "And then discuss Operation Snape's A Chick."  
  
"Deal," the other four agreed, ands the group traipsed into the Three Broomsticks."  
  
Several dozen butterbeers and two hours later, though, their plan hadn't matured beyond giving Snape some extra lip gloss, and curling Malfoy's eyelashes.  
  
"We need Lil," James said, "She knows all these brilliant little hexes that the rest of us don't."  
  
That wasn't entirely true, actually. Remus knew most of the hexes Lily did.he was just well aware of how often they backfired when performed by a group of underage wizards overdosing on butterbeer and Sugar Quills, and was content to let someone else take the blame if James wound up with, say, blue ears.  
  
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "But then we have to contend with you making little kissy faces across the table at Lily."  
  
"Shut up." James blushed, "I DO NOT make kissy faces1"  
  
Remus, Peter, and Brenwynne coughed discreetly. Sirius, on the other hand, proceeded to choke himself.  
  
"Ha ha," James muttered, "I, for one, am man enough to take your childish insults. I also want to see Snape looking like a Spice Girl. So I'm going to get Lil."  
  
James stormed out of the café and towards one of the many secret entrances back into Hogwarts.  
  
"How much you wanna bet he's the one wearing lipstick by the time he gets back?" Sirius sniggered.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Within ten minutes of Lily's arrival, they had a brilliant plan.  
  
"I don't know," Peter was always the one to express doubt, "Don't you think a padded bra is a bit much?"  
  
"NO." the other five said in unison.  
  
"One thing," Brenwynne reminded them, "We've got to make sure we do it outside of Hogsmeade grounds. Technically, if we're in Hogsmeade, we're on school grounds, since it's a field trip. Whatever we do outside of Hogsmeade, though, as long as it's legal, will only count as being outside if the assigned bounds for a field trip."  
  
"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" Sirius asked, apparently awed by her rule-breaking strategies.  
  
"Well," Remus said, "Let's go, shall we?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
As outlined in their plan, Peter was acting as bait, to lure Snape, Malfoy, and MacNair outside of Hogsmeade bounds. He stood just beyond the Shrieking Shack, yelling insults at the three Slytherins: one blond, one beefy, and one greasy.  
  
"So, Malfoy," he goaded, "I saw your mother the other day. She a hag or just an ugly witch?"  
  
"Don't you talk about my mother." Lucius Malfoy warned, "Lest you want me to pound you into a pudding-oops-my bad.You rather look like a pudding already."  
  
The other Slytherins sniggered stupidly, and Peter ignored them, continuing with his assigned role.  
  
"Snape!" he called, "I hear you're the best potions student in the school!"  
  
"That's right," Severus Snape replied smugly.  
  
"Well.I need a little help."  
  
"And who says I'm going to help you, Gryffindor scum?"  
  
"Please?" Peter made himself look servile and yielding, "I really need some help with this particular potion."  
  
"Maybe," Snape said, with a tone that clearly said, if-you're-very-very- lucky-in-conjunction-with-my-suffering-a-concussion.  
  
"Well.It's called shampoo," Peter said, and pretended to reflect further on the matter before continuing, "Maybe I'd better ask someone else."  
  
"You-" Snape charged at the small, round boy, the other two Slytherins close behind.  
  
As soon as the Slytherins had crossed the Hogsmeade line, Brenwynne jumped out from behind a tree and turned their hair different colors. Malfoy's was lavender, MacNair's a rather flattering shade of baby blue, and Snape's- Why, bright pink, of course.  
  
Lily played the next part. She peeked out from behind a rock and aimed at the Slytherins' newly colored hair. A quick burst of light, and all three were sporting new styles as well. Malfoy's hair was drawn up into a high ponytail at the crown of his head, a few lavender strands falling rather gracefully in front of his face. MacNair had a low bun at the nape of his neck, and Snape.Ah, Snape. Snape had two Dorothy-like braids, each trimmed with magenta ribbon. He also had glitter in his bangs.  
  
It was difficult for James to play his part while bent over double with laughter, but he managed to magic a rather pretty sparkly purple eye shadow on each-er-boy, and their eyelashes grew and curled. Almost as an afterthought, James added to each face bright red lipstick and blush.  
  
By now, the Slytherins were noticing that their heads felt oddly weighted down. As they were reaching their hands up to their new hairstyles in confusion, Remus changed the insignia on their robes to resemble those of the Hufflepuffs'.  
  
"What the-" Snape reached up and felt the braids on either side of his head. He pulled his hand away, looked at it for a minute, and saw glitter all over his fingers.  
  
"GRYFFINDOR SCUM!" he yelled, barging towards James or Peter, whichever he came to first.  
  
Just as Snape was making his charge, Sirius came out from behind a shrub.  
  
"You," Snape growled.  
  
"Me." Sirius responded calmly.  
  
The two stood, perfectly still, glaring at each other for a split second, until Sirius roared, "Latexius!"  
  
Suddenly, Snape found he had breasts.  
  
"I'm going to kill you, Black," he hissed, "I am going to murder you a thousand times over."  
  
Sirius, as well as his five cohorts, was unable to respond for laughing.  
  
Meanwhile, the majority of Hogwarts student sin third year or above had come over to see what all the shouting was about.  
  
Most stood in absolute shock before doubling over laughing, and a couple of Slytherin boys whistled and catcalled until they realized that not only were the three attractive girls technically boys, but that they were also in their own house.  
  
* * * * *  
  
It only took about five minutes for the makeup and hair to fade away, and less than that for the three unfortunate Slytherins to realize that they did not, in fact, have breasts, but were only wearing heavily padded brassieres. Nevertheless, all of Gryffindor house, and a vast majority of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff agreed it was, by far, the best prank the Marauders had pulled to date.  
  
Their glory lasted far into the night, in the form of a rather sensational party in the Gryffindor common room. Of course, all good things must come to an end, and this particular celebration ended when McGonagall, head of Gryffindor house, crashed their party.  
  
"SOMEONE SPIKE THE PUNCH!" she yelled, bearing a bottle of Ogden's Olde Firewhiskey.  
  
(HA-HA! Just kidding! You wish! That would have been pretty great, huh? Sorry, just a little authoress humor.)  
  
(what she really said was this: )  
  
"I have never," she declared, "been more embarrassed and disappointed with the Gryffindors in all my time here at Hogwarts."  
  
"That's what she said when I gave Dumbledore a Mohawk," Sirius whispered loudly.  
  
McGonagall glared at Sirius.  
  
"Since Mr. Black here finds himself so funny," she told the assembled students, "I'm sure he'll be perfectly able to entertain himself while in detention. BLACK, POTTER, EVANS, LUPIN, LYFYR, PETTIGREW! You will each serve two detentions, and fifty points will be deducted from Gryffindor. That is all."  
  
As soon as she left, Sirius muttered, "I think we should have given her a makeover, too. It certainly couldn't have hurt." 


	3. Scuse me!

Chapter Three: Detention.OR. "'Scuse me."  
  
As the six served their first detention, which was cleaning the trophy room, Brenwynne whispered, "Hey, Sirius? Remember what you said about McGonagall?"  
  
"I said a lot of things about McGonagall," he replied, "You mean about her being a hardass, or an undercover Backstreet Boy disguised as a squirrel working for the CIA?"  
  
"Neither," she said, through James' giggles, "About giving her a makeover."  
  
"Yeah, What about it?" Sirius asked. Surely Brenwynne wasn't going to suggest.  
  
"Well.Remember when you said you gave Dumbledore a Mohawk?"  
  
She was.  
  
"Yes.but I almost got expelled for that one. Mind you, Dumbledore thought it was funny. It was McGonagall who gave herself a wedgie over it."  
  
"Well." Brenwynne continued, "What if we give McGonagall a Mohawk?"  
  
Sirius considered the idea briefly. "Nah," he said, "Too predictable."  
  
A few moments passed, and then Remus said, "How about this? You know how Professor Loser's always checking out that young Astronomy teacher? Well, what if we make McGonagall look like her?"  
  
"No," Peter said excitedly, "We should make Dumbledore look like her!"  
  
"Or," James said, "Since changing the Headmaster's gender will most certainly get us all expelled, Why don't we just leave that idea alone?"  
  
"Good point," Peter muttered, but Sirius encouraged, "Come on, Jamesy! Live a little!"  
  
"Absolutely not," Lily agreed with James, "I am NOT going to be sent home to spend the rest of my formative years with my sister Petunia!"  
  
The six polished the remainder of the trophies without much dialogue, until Sirius stood up.  
  
"I," he declared, "Have an announcement to make."  
  
"Ooh, listen up," Brenwynne said, "BigFatSuperIdiotDork wants to tell us something!"  
  
Sirius growled, then said, "I have the best prank in the entire world. And it involves Professor Loser."  
  
The other five leaned in closer to listen.  
  
"Okay, here's the plan," Sirius said, "And it's going to involve a whole lot of duct tape."  
  
* * * * *  
  
The next day, as the six headed towards the dungeon for their second detention, Sirius' pockets were oddly weighed down, and both girls were sporting a roll of duct tape on each wrist, underneath their robes.  
  
Professor Losseaur was overseeing their latter detention, and stood leering behind them as they disemboweled a huge barrel full of Sand Newts.  
  
After about an hour had passed, Sirius leaned forward a little, and let loose an enormously powerful burst of gas from his bottom. He rocked back and forth a little from the shock waves.  
  
"That's the signal," James whispered.  
  
"Oh, Professor Lose-um-Losseaur!" Peter whined, "I feel so ill.I think I'm allergic to the hormones these newts' kidneys are secreting!"  
  
"Kidneys don't secrete hormones, you idiot!" Lily hissed, but Professor Losseaur apparently didn't know that.  
  
"Lovely," he muttered, and grabbed Peter's arm. "I'll take him to the hospital wing. The rest of you stay here, and DON'T CAUSE ANY TROUB-WHOO!"  
  
Professor Losseaur had apparently caught Sirius' scent and flew from the room with fat little Peter in tow.  
  
"All right!" James yelled, "Let's go!"  
  
The girls whipped the duct tape off their wrist, and displayed it proudly. "Double-sided," Lily bragged, "Which will save us a lot of work."  
  
The remaining five set to arranging the duct tape on the wall of the dungeon. After it was set up in the pattern they had agreed upon, all five raced back to the barrel of Sand Newts and began hurling handfuls of them at the duct-taped wall. When they ran out of toads, the five raced back to the Gryffindor common room, having technically finished their detentions fifteen minutes ago.  
  
The next morning, the Marauders' message was displayed across the South wall of the dungeons, written in newt guts stuck to duct tape, mounted on the wall:  
  
PROFESSOR LOSER WEARS PINK UNDERWEAR  
  
All of Gryffindor and even half of Slytherin laughed, until Professor Losseaur strode into the room.  
  
"Okay, class, today we will be-WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID YOU KNOW?! I mean- Who has plastered this-this-abomination all over my walls?"  
  
"I imagine it was the same people who had detentions here last night," Snape drawled, looking quite pleased with himself.  
  
"Who asked you, Baby Spice?" Sirius retorted.  
  
"Oh, you'll be seeing the Headmaster about THIS," Professor Losseaur hissed.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like that threat means much to me," he said smugly, "I get sent to the Headmaster three time a day. In fact, he must be getting worried. He hasn't heard from me in over two hours."  
  
James sniggered. "Are you kidding?" he asked Professor Losseaur, "They call the Headmaster whenever he needs to go to the loo-just in case, you know?" 


	4. Way to go, BigFatSuperIdiotDork!

Chapter Four: In The Headmaster's Office.OR.Way to Go, BigFatSuperIdiotDork  
  
It was with heavy heart (not really) that the six Gryffindor students mounted the stairs to the Headmaster's office.  
  
"Ew," Lily whispered, "You still stink, Sirius."  
  
"Whaddya mean 'still'?" he asked indignantly, "That was a fresh one!"  
  
Lily shuddered, and Brenwynne smacked Sirius on the back of the head.  
  
"Please," she begged, "No more chili for you."  
  
Peter sniggered, and nearly tripped on the stairs. "Oops, sorry," he said, bumping into Lily from behind.  
  
"RAPE!" James whispered loudly, and Peter blushed, adjusting his posture so as not to fall down the stairs.  
  
Remus looked at James.  
  
"So, what do you think we'll get this time?" he wondered, "We won't be expelled, will we?"  
  
"Nah," Sirius assured them, "I've done way worse than this."  
  
"I don't even want to know," Lily muttered.  
  
"I do!" Brenwynne and Remus yelled in unison.  
  
"I already do," James said, and added, "It was pretty funny."  
  
The six stopped talking as they reached Professor Dumbledore's door. It was Sirius who knocked, gaily and perkily.  
  
"It's me again!" he called cheerily.  
  
The door opened, and all six looked up into the old man's brilliant blue eyes.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Black," he sighed, "We cannot go one day without getting into trouble, can we?"  
  
"Nope!" he agreed, cheerfully, "And please, call me Sirius. Or BigFatSuperIdiotDork."  
  
Dumbledore hid a smile.  
  
"You do know I'm going to have to punish you-all of you-for this," he said.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, live a little," Sirius encouraged, "Let us off the hook and I'll tell you what it says on Professor Losseaur's under-"  
  
"Enough." Dumbledore declare, though all six were sure he was trying hard not to laugh, "The six of you will be barred from the next Hogsmeade weekend. If I find out that you do attend Hogsmeade on that weekend, you will receive further, far more severe penalties.  
  
"Okay," Sirius said, "But I still think it would have been a really enlightening experience for you to learn that Professor Losseaur writes his name on the waistband-"  
  
"Good-bye, Mr. Black," Dumbledore said pointedly, and the six left his office.  
  
"Well, that wasn't so bad," James said easily, "And we have my Invisibility Cloak. We can get in to Hogsmeade easily.  
  
"Yeah," Brenwynne agreed, "But we'll have to be careful, Professor Losseaur is going to be out to get us.Maybe one or two of us should stay here, and we can keep switching off, four in Hogsmeade, two here. All six of us won't fit under that cloak, anyway."  
  
"Good thinking," Sirius complimented her, "I think you deserve a kiss."  
  
"Not on your life," Brenwynne said easily.  
  
Sirius muttered something under his breath, and James launched a spitball at him.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The next Hogsmeade weekend came soon enough, and it was decided that they would go in threes to Hogsmeade: James, Lily, and Remus until lunch, and after that, Sirius, Peter, and Brenwynne.  
  
As the first group left under the cloak, Sirius decided they should walk past both the Headmaster's office and Professor Losseaur's office, just so the two would be satisfied that the six were staying in school.  
  
"We shouldn't go all together, though," Brenwynne warned, "It would seem strange, to see the three of us now, and the three of them later."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, in Hogsmeade, James, Lily, and Remus were enjoying themselves drinking Butterbeer with Frank Longbottom, who, since the other three were huddled under James' Invisibility Cloak, appeared to be talking to himself, and polishing off four bottles of Butterbeer simultaneously.  
  
"So, where's the rest of your little gang?" Frank asked jovially.  
  
"At school," Remus explained, "We're going to switch off later."  
  
"Ah, I see," he said, "Four times eight is thirty-two."  
  
He had to keep saying random things like this whenever someone else walked by his table, so that no one would figure out that Frank was really not alone.  
  
"So, what do you think Dumbledore will do if he finds out you've come into Hogsmeade anyway?" Frank wondered.  
  
"It's not going to happen," Lily whispered, "We made sure of that.That's why we're coming three at a time."  
  
"Besides," James added, "We can just say we were overpowered by Sirius, that he threatened to turn us all into dung beetles of we refused."  
  
"Yeah, like anyone'd believe that," Frank laughed, "Dumbledore's not stup- So, the square root of pi is apple."  
  
"He is a bit senile, though," Remus said quietly, discreetly taking a sip from his butterbeer.  
  
"That excuse could work for Peter, actually," James said, "Everyone thinks he just tags along after us anyway."  
  
"You mean he doesn't?" Frank asked skeptically, "When two vowels go a- walking, the first one does the talking."  
  
"No way," James said, "What would we do without Peter, the human pudding?"  
  
Lily punched him softly. "Quit picking on him," she admonished.  
  
"Okay," James agreed brightly, "I'll pick on you instead. Your hair's so red-"  
  
" 'A' before 'E' except after 'C'," Frank said loudly as a Hufflepuff girl walked by.  
  
"So red what?" Lily whispered fiercely once the girl was out of earshot.  
  
"That.um.it's red," James finished lamely.  
  
"Eenie, meenie, miney mo," Frank said loudly, "Catch a dragon by the toe."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Lily, James, and Remus rushed into the Great Hall just in time. Professor Dumbledore looked over towards the Gryffindor table and was quite surprised to see all six of the sentenced there.  
  
"Ha! Look at his face," Sirius crowed, "He's gonna have a heart attack!"  
  
"Yeah, he will, if you're planning on eating that," James muttered, moving the chili out of Sirius' reach.  
  
Sirius scowled and bit into a chicken leg.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The second group of Marauders had just eaten, so they decided to skip on the Three Broomsticks. Besides, as Brenwynne pointed out, they didn't really need to brush up on their multiplication tables.  
  
They headed instead to Zonko's, but soon realized it was too crowded; No way were all three of them going to get anywhere in there without stepping on someone. Peter decided to go to Honeydukes, but Sirius and Brenwynne were both still full from lunch, and decided to head out behind the Shrieking Shack and beyond Hogsmeade grounds instead, where they weren't very likely to be seen. They had to be careful, because Peter had the Invisibility Cloak.  
  
Once behind the shack, Brenwynne and Sirius began discussing plans for further pranks on the Slytherins. They were really a great planning team, because Sirius was frankly brilliant when it came to ways to humiliate people, and Brenwynne knew ways around all the rules.  
  
"No," Brenwynne was arguing, "I think we've already overdone the whole 'pink' concept. Instead, we should-"  
  
Sirius suddenly leaned over and kissed her.  
  
After a moment, he pulled away and said, "So. Will you go out with me?"  
  
Brenwynne just looked at him for a minute, and Sirius almost wished he hadn't kissed her, so frightening was her silence, until at last she said,  
  
"Of course I will. I love you, you BigFatSuperIdiotDork." 


	5. I think I swallowed the string

Chapter Five: Truth Or Dare.OR. "I think I swallowed the String." That evening, the six Gryffindors were congratulating themselves on their Hogsmeade trip, which had gone wonderfully, except that Frank now had to see the school counselor for schizophrenia.  
  
"So," James said, "Did you guys do anything interesting?"  
  
"Not really," Peter began. But Sirius broke in, "I got a girlfriend!"  
  
Lily, James, and Remus all glanced at Peter for a second, then Sirius said, "Brenwynne is now officially mine!"  
  
"Oh," James sighed with relief, "That's nice."  
  
"So, how did that happen?" Lily asked interestedly.  
  
"I guess she just couldn't resist my masculine charms any longer," Sirius said cockily, "That and I haven't had any chili in days."  
  
Brenwynne snorted. "Sirius, you are such a bloody crackhead," she laughed.  
  
"But that's why you love me?" Sirius finished hopefully.  
  
"No," Brenwynne answered, "that's why you're always high as a kite-"  
  
"No," James amended, "He's as high as Dexter Creevy pulls up his pants."  
  
All but Lily laughed at that. Lily, though, said, "James, leave Dexter alone. The other students pick on him enough as it is, and he's in our House."  
  
"You're no fun," James complained.  
  
"So, what do we do now?" Remus wondered.  
  
"Well." Peter said, "We could all go play in the Porta-Potty by the Quidditch field."  
  
"You're kidding, right?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Um.Yes. Yes I am," Peter replied.  
  
"We could go harass the Slytherins," James suggested lightly.  
  
"Nah, we've done that already this week," Sirius said lazily.  
  
"How 'bout we just hang out?" Lily said, as she was getting rather tired.  
  
"No," Sirius said, "Because we're going to play Truth Or Dare."  
  
The six sat in a circle.  
  
"I go first," Sirius said, "'Cause it was my idea."  
  
"Fine," the rest agreed.  
  
"WAIT!" James yelled, "We need to set up a penalty in case someone chickens out of a Dare!"  
  
"Okay, that's easy enough," Lily said, "Anyone who refuses a Dare has to spend an hour alone in the Porta-Potty.  
  
"I'm not sure that'll be a punishment for all of us," Brenwynne said, glancing at Peter, but she agreed to the Penalty.  
  
"Okay, Jamesy-Wamesy," Sirius said, "Truth or Dare?"  
  
James, fully expecting to hear himself say "Dare," at the last minute decided he wasn't quite feeling up to one of Sirius' dares yet.  
  
"Truth," he said.  
  
Sirius looked disappointed, but soon recovered and asked,  
  
"How old were you when you stopped writing your name inside your skivvies?" Sirius asked gleefully, for he had known James his entire life, and already knew the answer, and it was humiliating.  
  
"Fourteen," he muttered, "but it's because I have a brother who's only a couple of years older than me and."  
  
"And you were afraid he was gonna steal your dainties?" Remus cracked.  
  
"Okay, Wolf-Boy, It's your turn now. Truth Or Dare?" James challenged.  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Okay.Hmm.have you ever kissed a girl before?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
The other five, who had assumed that his lycanthropy would have intimidated him too much to allow him to do this, looked at him in surprise.  
  
"Really? Who?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Not saying," Remus replied, "Only one question, and I already answered it. My turn to choose someone. Lily, Truth or Dare?"  
  
"Hmm.Truth," she said, "Only because I don't feel like getting up."  
  
"Okay." Remus searched for a question that would be amusing, but not too embarrassing. He didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  
  
"Have you ever fallen off a Broomstick?"  
  
Lily laughed. "Loads of times," she said, "Once I even broke a couple of ribs."  
  
"Okay, my turn," she said, "Hmm.James, Truth Or Dare?"  
  
"Hey, no fair!" Peter said, "He already went!"  
  
"Oh, well," James said, "You can choose whoever you want, it wouldn't be any fun otherwise."  
  
"Well?" Lily asked.  
  
"Oh.Right," James said, "Dare."  
  
"All right," Lily thought for a minute, "I dare you to kiss Peter in his rat form."  
  
"No fair!" Peter said, "Double humiliation!"  
  
"Hey, you wanted to be involved," Lily said.  
  
So Peter transformed, and James gingerly picked him up by the tail and pecked his side gingerly. He then dropped Peter quickly and recoiled.  
  
Peter transformed back, blushing, and James said awkwardly, "Right.I choose.uh.Brenwynne. Truth or Dare."  
  
"Dare," she said in a bored tone of voice.  
  
"Okay," James said, " I dare you to run around the common room three times singing a nursery song."  
  
"Easy," she said, and leapt around the common room, over chairs, under tables, right past the fireplace, on top of armchairs, between chatting students, singing "The farmer in the dell! The farmer in the dell! Heigh- ho, the dairy-o, the farmer in the dell!" in a very loud, very off-key voice.  
  
After her third circle, she rejoined her hysterical group ("Heigh-ho, the DAIRY-O, the Cheese stands A-LOOOOONE!") and said, "Okay. BigFatSuperIdiotDork, Truth or Dare?"  
  
"Dare," Sirius grinned.  
  
"I dare you," she began, pausing for effect, "To ask Snape to the Winter Ball in Hogsmeade."  
  
"WHAT?!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"You don't have to actually go with him," Brenwynne assured him, "You just have to ask him."  
  
"NO WAY." Sirius yelled, "THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT I AM GOING TO ASK SEVERUS SNAPE TO GO TO THE BALL WITH M-Hey, wait a minute. Who has to wear the dress?" he asked interestedly, always on the lookout for new ways to humiliate Snape.  
  
James rolled his eyes. "Neither one of you," he answered, "Didn't you hear what Bren said? You don't have to actually go with him."  
  
Lily giggled. "I think you'd look great in a frilly pink dress, Sir," she teased.  
  
Peter and Remus sniggered.  
  
"I can't do it," Sirius whined, "I just can't!"  
  
"Well, you know what that means," James said, "To the Porta-Potty."  
  
"Can I come too?" Peter queried.  
  
They all looked at him for a minute.  
  
"Just kidding," he assured them.  
  
"No." Sirius said, "I am NOT going in there. I'm too young to die."  
  
And so it was that the six trooped to the Slytherin wing of the school, below the dungeons.  
  
"Here it goes," Sirius said, pounding on the door to the Slytherin common room.  
  
It was Malfoy who swung open the door.  
  
"What?" he asked, sneering.  
  
"Snape around?" Sirius asked, "That bloody git?"  
  
"What do you want him for?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.  
  
"Not any of your concern," Sirius answered tightly, "Unless of course you want me to pound your face in-"  
  
"Sev!" Malfoy called across the common room.  
  
All six of the Marauders sniggered.  
  
Severus Snape, in all his greasiness, appeared suddenly in the doorway.  
  
"What the hell do you want?" he sneered, his lip curling.  
  
"Will you go the Winter Ball with me, Sevvie-pooh?" Sirius asked, batting his eyelashes, "You looked so cute in braids.Not a bad rack, either-"  
  
Snape slammed the door in Sirius' face.  
  
The six made their way back to the Gryffindor common room, laughing hysterically.  
  
"I," Sirius declared, "Am brilliant. I humiliated Snape yet again."  
  
"Hey, I came up with the dare." Brenwynne pouted.  
  
"Yeah," Sirius argued, "But I'm the one that turned it into utter Snape humiliation."  
  
"Whaddya want?" Brenwynne shot back, "A medal or a cookie?"  
  
"Hmm." Sirius replied, "How 'bout a cookie on a string?" 


End file.
